Saving Lives in High Water Yoga Pants

This weekend we had a family yard sale. Big shindigs like these when done with family can get quite messy. The random bickering about where to place things, exactly what prices should go on what, discussions and/or insinuations that one person or another has done more work and then the fact that we ended up $20 short in the end, made this yard sale a success. It has also caused complete and utter exhaustion.

The event took place Friday and Saturday and we had to determine how to feed everyone as we took shifts manning the pre-owned junk that scattered the yard. On Friday we made our family-favorite cheeseburger soup and Saturday it was decided that one of us would run into Kroger to grab lunch meat, chips and other various snacks. That “one of us” ended up being me.

That morning I was startled awake by my mom pounding on my bedroom door; I had slept through my alarm and had 10 minutes to get dressed, pull my hair into the highest, messiest looking bun and run out the door. The outfit I chose was AWFUL because I was in a hurry and I figured I was only going to be sitting behind a card table all day so it didn’t matter. So, off I went to Kroger in my black spandex, high water yoga pants that gave me the biggest muffin top (what’s the pastry bigger than a muffin?…because THAT is the kind of blob that was hanging off the waist of these yoga pants) EVER, my navy blue flip flops, and my greasy messy bun.

As I walked through the produce section I could literally feel my pants smacking into my ankles with every gust of wind. I thought if I walked faster the trip would be over sooner and I wouldn’t have to suffer through shopping in this hideous get up as long; however, that plan was thwarted by the fact that the faster I walked, the more wind my pants caught and the harder those puppies flapped around my ankles. I just pictured the looks I was getting as people looked down and saw these pant legs flapping in the wind. Legitimately I think people took my pants as a warning of a second great flood. After they finished their grocery shopping, they went directly home to draft up plans to build an ark.

So I continued my journey, trying INCREDIBLY hard to keep my head down and my trip fast. BUT WOULDN’T YOU KNOW, the harder you try to do something like that, the more it just doesn’t work. I bumped into a little girl from preschool and her father…HOW EMBARRASSING. Then as I’m buying lunch meat, the lady standing next to me strikes up a conversation. 

Me (to the guy at the deli): Yes, I’d like one pound of turkey and half a pound of the bologna that’s on sale.
Random Lady: Have you ever tried the bologna that (insert random brand name here) makes?
Me: No, I haven’t. I assume it’s good?
RL: YES! My boss from Florifinos…he used to live in (insert the state here)…absolutely loves this bologna…comes highly recommended….grew up in a Jewish neighborhood…should realllllyyyy try it….Granville Market sometimes has it….a little pricey….worth every penny…I tried it at a party he had…wife is wonderful…bologna is better than….It is so incredible…

This is the point where I am staring into space inwardly cringing as I imagining all of the random customers who have now seen my ankles peeking out from under these HIDEOUS YOGA PANTS. I imagine they opened a box of plastic spoons from the aisle and proceeded to gouge their eyes out with them.

RL continues: What about Hebrew hotdogs?! They are kosher, I mean I’m not Jewish, but these hotdogs are SOOOO DELICIOUS! Sometimes they are on sale here 2 packs for $7…they weren’t always here….grocery stores don’t always keep them in stock…IGA…Dryden Road Grocery…

I am trying so hard not to look other shoppers in the eyes as I watch them rush to finished their shopping so they can go directly to Lowes to purchase the lumber for their arks…the pants are screaming DOOM.

I finally cut her off.

Me: They sound delicious, maybe sometime I’ll have to try them. Have a good day!

I walk away quickly, so quickly that I forgot the case of water and the pop and had to RETURN to Kroger to shop again wearing the same outfit. When that shopping trip was over, I went directly back to the yard sale, I took those pants off and I stuck a price tag on them. I want someone else to feel the same shame I did when I walked through those aisles.

Okay, not really. I went home and proceeded to wear those pants the rest of the day. I mean, I had to let all of the yard sale customers know to expect the flood!–I was a walking public service announcement.

Simply put, I was saving lives.


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