Undeniable Joy

When I originally started this blog, I wasn’t sure what the purpose would be.

I only knew 2 things:

1.- I like to write, like a lot.

2.- I had a pretty legitimately crazy boss and it needed documented for humor purposes.

Since my original blog post a month ago, I’ve had a lot of changes happen within me. I never intended for this blog to be a spiritual one. I mean, spirituality is very important to me and always has been, but I never knew that this would soon become a place for me to come and share the things God has revealed to me.

Either way, I am thankful, which is recently, a lesson that God has been teaching me time and time again. So, I wanted to make sure I took time today to document what God revealed to me during service this morning.

As pastor John got on the stage this morning and the tech people brought up the power point behind him, in BIG white letters against a black background it said “Homosexuality and the Bible”. I’m not going to lie, inwardly, I rolled my eyes. I even sighed. I was irritated. How MANY times are we going to beat this same issue?! How many times are we going to go over and over the fact that God created Adam and EVE not Adam and STEVE?!Yes, Pastor John, I get it.

Let me just tell you, God had something in store for me that I didn’t even know was about to happen.

There was a discussion about creation and God creating two sexes who complimented each other and then in their oneness, complimented God and gave him glory. There was a discussion about marriage. God takes marriage seriously! This isn’t a thing to be toyed with. Divorce is wrong. It’s more than homosexuality. It’s about sexual pureness. It’s about the sexuality of human beings as a whole and the fact that we were born into sexual brokenness. Homosexuality is just ONE of the MANY examples of sexual brokenness. Ouch.

Alright, so there is wake up call number one. Premarital sex is NO LESS a sin than homosexuality. Roger. I hear you loud and clear, Jesus. How dare I or anyone else walk with our chests puffed up telling others how much their sin SICKENS us?! Are we not sinners in some other way? What?..Your sin is better because it is socially acceptable? Not to God. Not to God it isn’t.

Wake up call number two, and the one that hit the hardest today. Divorce is a sin. OUCH! I am 8 months out from the finalization of my divorce. The marriage itself was a mistake. I was running from a home life of which I was petrified. My marriage was an answer to a problem. It was done for the wrong reasons. I was unequally yoked. I was rash. It wasn’t done out of love or out of honor to The Father. It was simply a means to an end. So, I sat in church, feeling the weight of Pastor John’s words, GOD’S words. Was my divorce really a sin?! Would I be committing adultery by getting married again? Would I be causing my spouse to commit adultery by marrying me? I left service with what felt like 1,000lbs on my shoulders and an ache in my stomach that LITERALLY made me feel like I had to throw up.

I was walking to the car with Roman and I reached into my purse to put my sunglasses on. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I didn’t want him or anyone else to see. “How are ya doin'”, he asked. I legitimately was so heavy and conflicted I couldn’t even use words. I just grunted in response.

As we drove out of the parking lot, tears started to roll silently down my cheeks. I kept thinking: Is there no grace for my mistakes?! Will God not allow me to marry again because I have gotten divorced?! I don’t understand. Was it my marriage that was a sin or my divorce that was a sin? Will I cause Roman to be an adulterer by marrying me? Thoughts flooded my brain and tears just kept coming. Roman sat quietly and squeezed my hand and after a few minutes he looked over to me, “What are you thinking babe?”

“I’m still just processing.” Those were the only words I could get out through my tears. He nodded his head and took a few seconds to think before he responded. “Marti, I think that the fact that you are even feeling this way says something about who you are. Did God even honor your marriage if it was done for all the wrong reasons and he doesn’t have any knowledge of God? I don’t want to put any words in God’s mouth, but I really believe that you marrying him was a mistake in the first place.”

My soul started to quiet some. I still let the tears flow freely, but I started to process what he was saying. The entire time I’m still thinking, Is there not grace enough for this? And then, all the sudden, it occurred to me. This is about so much more than a divorce, or a wrong marriage. My conviction was over the fact that I had never really asked for forgiveness about my divorce OR the wrong marriage. I always felt justified. Well God understands that I just married him because I was in such a horrible place at home. God can respect my decision.

NO. NO MARTI. God wants you to rely on him. To trust in him and his timing. Running to an earthly fix was never in the cards. What I felt in church today was God BEGGING me. Leading me. Convicting my spirit.

“Repent. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, my child, my daughter. I love you, but you HAVE to give this to me. In order to move on, you MUST.”

When I got home I messaged a friend about the sermon. I told her I left in tears with the heaviest heart that I had had in YEARS. I told her, “I can’t remember the last time I felt so convicted.” I cried some more. And then in my heart I felt sorry. In a message I told her “I know I am probably telling the wrong person, but I am so sorry for the mistakes I made with him. I am so so sorry.”

Her response, which has lead to this entire post was this:

“Here is the Joy in God, He knows your heart. So you talking to me, He hears it. :)”

And here’s the thing…SHE IS SO RIGHT! 1.- There is ABSOLUTE Joy in God. Even when he convicts me. Even when I am SO BURDENED by my sin that I think perhaps it is unforgivable, as soon as I accept his forgiveness, there is UNDENIABLE joy. SO MUCH JOY!!!! 2. God knows my heart. He knows my heart and he knows your heart. It is so comforting to me that even through conversation with a friend, God is working.

Today, I feel Joy. I feel Joy for a God who is willing to even love me enough to convict me. I am thankful and overjoyed that the creator of all the earth would take time to speak to my soul and let me know that he wants me to cast my burdens on him.

It’s about so much more than homosexuality. It’s about our brokenness as a human race. We are all guilty and have fallen short of the Glory of God, but he knows your heart and he wants you to feel the joy that comes through forgiveness!

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