Today was an exciting day! It’s SUNDAY! That means it was a time of group celebration about our savior. This morning I walked into church heavy burdened. It’s been a rough week around this house and it’s not been because of my busy schedule.
Families are hard.
People are hard.
Dynamics are harder.
Mental illness is harder yet.
This week I felt like I was treading water pretty hard. A few days I LITERALLY envisioned myself with water up to my ears; it had covered my mouth and the only way for me to get oxygen was to carefully breath through my nose between splashes of water to the face. After work a couple nights this week I came home to a broken home. One broken by the cloud of depression and illness. As I tried to listen and minister and speak light, I was constantly met with a mind not capable of listening to my advice. By the end of this week, I. Was. Exhausted. Friday night I slept 14 hours. Then Saturday I took a 3 hour nap, and proceeded to sleep another nine and a half hours that evening. So this morning, as I walked into church with all of the weight of the past week on my shoulders, I began to sing.
“I hear the savior say, thy strength indeed is small.
Child of weakness watch and pray, find in me your all in all.
Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe.
Sin had left a crimson stain, he washed it white as snow.” (Jesus Paid it All)
By the second verse, I couldn’t squeak out another note. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I could feel big heavy tears drop onto my chest. My strength is small. I am a child of weakness and I need to watch and pray. Jesus has already paid EVERYTHING for me. I owe him my entire life.
No matter what is happening in my life. No matter how difficult this home life gets. No matter how sad I am. No matter how many battles I face. No matter how many times I find myself crying in the dark before bed. No matter how many times I plead for her to get better. No matter how many late nights and exhausted days I have. JESUS PAID IT ALL! It is already finished.
In service this morning Pastor John said, “Too many times we spend our time asking ‘why me?! God, why me?!’ It’s not about that. Good things happen to good and bad people. The difference is how Christians stand tall when it’s raining.” This again brought me to tears. I have chosen to trust in Jesus. I have chosen to take everything a day at a time and look to Jesus when I am at the end of my rope. I have chosen to BELIEVE in the one who paid my debt. This doesn’t mean that bad things will never happen to me. This only means that in times of storm, I have him as my strong hold.
Tonight as I reflected on today and the week that has come to an end I did some reading in Philippians. I was immediately comforted by a verse I read earlier last week and totally forgot about.
“For I know that through your prayers
and the help given by the spirit of Jesus Christ,
what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.”
Tonight, I am declaring in Jesus Christ that no matter what happens to me in this life, it will be used for my deliverance.
I am declaring that no matter what happens to me in this life, I am choosing to stand knowing that Jesus is my all in all.
I will stand tall even in the darkest moments.
When the tears are falling, I will know that he has collected every tear in his bottle.
He knows my burdens and sorrows.
.Jesus paid it all and I owe him everything.