It’s Hard

When pain happens, so begins the scramble.  It’s similar to a switch that turns on and I begin grasping at anything to numb the hurt.  A lot of times it’s food.  Many times it’s flirtation. Sometimes I hide and sit alone in complete silence obsessively flipping through my phone.  I’ve reach a bit of a breaking point as far as pain is concerned and I’ve found that I’ve really pulled away from God.  It’s disappointing to me that my faith can be so fleeting; however, it’s not the belief of God that I’ve walked away from.  I suppose it’s less about faith and more about trust.  I think I’ve come to a place where I don’t trust God.  Perhaps if I were brutally honest, I could admit that I never truly have trusted him.  I’ve been taught at a young age that trust is something that is consistently broken.  I’m not placing blame, my parents are both very educated individuals who worked hard to take care of themselves and us, but could never escape their own demons.

My trust has been destroyed repeatedly from the time I was a small child.  I know that these issues can’t control where I am.  They are explanations for my behavior, but they can not be excuses.  I can’t continue to allow the hurt of my past rule the possibilities of my future or else I risk repeating the same pattern and leaving my future children with a confused idea of trust and a faith that becomes fleeting when life gets hard.

When I reflect I can see the pattern that I take.  When things start to get shaky I begin to feel like I need to take things in my own hands and do it MY way.  I’ve learned that I can only really trust myself, because I already know what my plans are and I can predict my own next move.  Really, I could over analyze myself to death.

I only knew it had been too long since I’ve posted.  I’ve been struggling.  I’ve really been struggling since I started this blog.  There have been excellent days, and I have learned a lot in the last few months.  However, I have refrained from writing the past few weeks, even though this is my own little corner of the internet, because I knew that nothing I was going to blog would be exciting or encouraging.

Hopefully the scrambling will end soon and I will slowly begin to stabilize my thoughts.

God has never left me.

He’s never forsaken me.

I just have about 15 years worth of trust relearning to do.

It’s hard.

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