Week 3 of the rest of my life:
It goes a little something like this. Struggle, hesitance, fear, resistance—Counseling. Jesus. Prayer.
This week I really struggled with the thought of giving up the old. The old has “worked” for so long. The old is ALL I KNOW. All of these coping mechanisms, all of these masks are being taken away. It’s down right terrifying.
How will I feel loved? How will I know I have value? How?! For so long I’ve met these needs through people pleasing, working super hard, trying to overachieve, seeking approval, sexual relationships. It’s filled the void for so long. How will I understand who I am without everything I’ve ever known?! You’re telling me Jesus really does this? I’ve learned the idea of it. I’ve heard the stories. I believe the stories. I just don’t think I believed them for me.
Tonight I was introduced to the Core Needs:
Safety & Security
Then I was introduced to the idea that we are given messages about our worth and ourselves starting at a very young age. Who gives us these messages?
Then—The hard part. The painstaking part. The part where I have to analyze what my messages have been. The negative ones. These are the ones she wants to know about, because there stems the dysfunction. In those messages are the roots that have borrowed so deeply into my soul causing this constant treading of water. Immediately I felt fear. I know what my messages have been. I know what’s happened. I don’t know that I’ve analyzed them quite on this level and certainly not in front of someone I’ve only spoken to 3 times.
But—I did it. In this, there is healing, one painstaking adventure at a time.
The Following is:
The message of abandonment: being left and forsaken.
The message of insecurity
The message of being unattractive and overweight
The message of being unimportant, uncared for and unloved
The message of being a disappointment, excluded and not fitting in
The message of guilt and feeling responsible
The message of being unwanted and undesirable
The message of not being good enough and being misunderstood
That’s a pretty hefty list of GROSS messages. Here is where I find peace. We didn’t leave the session on that note! After we read off every nasty, horrible, despicable message I’d been given, she looked at me and said “I want you to picture your nephew.”
She said to me “I know he means a lot to you. I can tell you love that little boy and he holds a very special place in your heart. You want nothing but the best for him and you would do anything within your power to make him feel loved. To let him know he has significance and belonging, and that you understand him and want him to feel safe. That his aunt Marti always has his back.”
As much as you want all of those things for him, God wants those things for you more. She began to quote scripture to support what she was saying. I am the apple of his eye. Jesus came so that we could have life and have it more abundantly. She let me know that there is a pure kind of love that God wants to provide in my life and that his love is without condition. God understands the importance of feeling adored and admired. These are innate needs he placed within us, which also means he can fulfill them.
The journey is still hard. I am still hesitant. I still scare easily and worry that completely giving up my power means I may not get exactly what I want.
Either way Marti’s Messages are slowly being re-written.
One page at a time.