Last week there was a discussion about forgiveness. Forgiveness is done not for the other person, but for yourself. That is something I have heard and experienced a few times in my life; however, last week there was a conversation that really stuck with me. Forgiveness is about your relationship with God and ultimately it is between you and him. That is something I hadn’t really considered. We are called to forgive. Therefore whether I forgive will ultimately effect my relationship with Christ.
This is the other thing that stuck: You may not have it in you to forgive. You literally may not have the feelings necessary to forgive. You literally don’t feeling like doing it. That gave me so much freedom.
This is a journey that is between me and God, which means I am able to be honest and say “I don’t have it in me.” I can tell God, “I don’t feel like forgiving. I literally cannot feel what it takes.” I can come broken. I can come stubborn. I can come honest. I can come repenting and begging for help and every time he welcomes me back.
Tonight I am struggling with anger. Anytime there is conflict and injustice the rage comes streaming back. Anytime I see my sisters fighting to feel love and acceptance from our own mother I am sickened.
I am taking time to blog and open up to God via this little slot on the internet so I am able to process some of my anger and know that forgiveness is something that is between him and I. I don’ have what it takes to forgive tonight, but I do have the desire to obey and build a stronger relationship with him.
So I think in this moment, it begins with honesty. I want to obey. I want this ache in my chest to go away. The anger I feel is only killing me. I don’t want to forgive, but I want to obey.
It begins with honesty.