Take Time to Be Proud

When the nights come that I am wide awake in late hours of the night worried about my future, I start to think about how exciting it’s going to be when I read back through this posts at a different point of my life and realize how far I’ve come.  How far God has taken me.  This realization, of course, comes after I’ve spent a significant amount of time beating the ever-living tar out of myself for all of the horrible things that I’ve done in my life and all of the failure I’ve experienced.  When I allow myself to go to that place I forget about all of the accomplishments I’ve made.

This post serves two purposes:

1.- to document the real, raw emotions I am feeling about the uncertainty of my future. Specifically relationally.

&

2.-to remind myself of all the things I should be proud of.  Sometimes you just need to remind yourself.

Dear Marti,

Please remember the following things:

You are independent. In the past year and a half you have managed to take a stand and remove yourself from a relationship you knew was sinking and unfulfilling.  After that, you managed to finish your first year of teaching, take care of your family during a horrific situation, find a new job, apply and be accepted to a graduate program.

You are a good teacher.  There are moments when life gets tough, the lesson planning gets overwhelming, the children become demanding and the parents are a little exhausting.  BUT YOU ARE DOING IT.  Every day you get up, you take care of the kiddos and you show them the love and acceptance of a teacher.  When all the bull crap gets tough, you’ve managed to still love those kids and realize that they are your purpose for being there.

You are strong.  You own your first apartment.  You are paying all of your own bills.  You are making it.  Every day you put your key in the lock and open your front door, know that you have worked hard for this.  You are doing good things in spite of the bad things that have happened to you.

YOU AREN’T YOU’RE PARENTS.

You are making progress.  You have completed your first month of counseling.  You are making an effort to understand yourself, to understand where you come from and to change patterns that haven’t been working.  GO YOU.

Take time to be proud of yourself.

Because sometimes, no one else will.

Love,

Your Struggling Self

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