I am pretty terrible about writing consistently. To be honest, I’m pretty terrible about doing anything consistently! LOL But tonight I was doing some reading for my Bible Study group. If I’m honest, I was probably dreading it since last week because I saw the very first heading for Mark chapter 10:
The people closest to me know that my divorce is something I have struggled with. So tonight I do the reading, and the enemy starts talking to me and inevitably, I start believing his lies. “You’re wrong. You’re a sinner. You can never get married again because you’ll be an adulterer. You’re disgusting. God doesn’t forgive adultery.”
Lie after Lie after Lie after Lie! Until I find myself in a mini panic over my divorce. And then I remembered! I remembered this blog. I remembered an incident that happened about 8 months ago pertaining my divorce. I remembered the guilt. The shame. The sorrow. And then you know what else I remembered?! THE FORGIVENESS!
Which brings me to tonight’s post. I need to document the happenings of my life here. Sometimes I think it’s because I want to reach TONS of people and touch lives and make a difference (and I do!) but I also need this for me. I need a reminder of where I have been, what God has done for me and where I am going. When I start to stumble, this blog provides a place of reference for me to turn to.
So, I can now say I have read Mark10 and though I still have worries, I am trusting that God will bring guidance and comfort to me when I begin to doubt.
In earlier posts about my “self discovery” journey I was begging God to speak to me. I felt like I was talking to God and he just wasn’t listening to me. I even tried bargaining with God. Like, “Ok God…I’m going to read my Bible and then I trust that YOU are going to speak to me.” Because that’s how it works right?! We just go ahead and let God know what WE are going to do and he then responds with what we WANT him to do…HA! I think we refer to that as Genie God.
Anyway, there has been a sequence of God’s words to me. It started Easter Sunday. I visited a church with Bethany and Patrick (a full gospel church by the way–those people know how to party for Jesus and I was totally on board!) and as the preacher began to speak he was talking about the miracles that Jesus performed. One in particular was raising Lazarus from the dead. At one point the paster is reading (YELLING) scripture and he says, “Martha, do you believe!!?!” (my real name is Martha) I was sitting in my pew and I was like I hear you Jesus!!
Sometimes God does cool stuff like that to me. He straight calls me out. He uses my name too! He doesn’t play around. Then as the service was coming to an end, a woman came OFF THE STAGE!! from the choir and approached me. She told me that the whole time she had been singing she couldn’t stop looking at me. She asked if I wanted to pray and when we went to the altar, she asked what my name was. When I told her “Marti”, she started to cry and told me that I could find my Lazarus there. God is one clever dude. I had been BEGGING for God to make himself real to me. And twice in ONE CHURCH service God was like “Let me show YOU what I have in mind for us communicating.” AND he used that woman to speak to me. God’s miracles aren’t just for Biblical times. God’s miracles are real for me too!
The week continued in the same manner. I was reminded of the story of Jesus visiting Mary and Martha’s house. “Martha, Martha”–Jesus says to her: “You worry about many things…” (NEEDED TO HEAR THAT!)
Then there was the story in Mark 9 about Jesus saving the little boy from his demon possession. The dad says “if you can help” and Jesus gets all Holy (ya know, because he IS!) and he’s like “IF?!” –Like Dude, don’t you know who I am?!– But what the Dad says back is so comforting. He says “Help me overcome my unbelief.” I needed to hear that too! My doubt about Jesus is nothing less that my human disbelief. This father asked for the ability to overcome his disbelief! That is powerful to me.
Jesus has been ringing my bell the past couple of weeks. I’ve heard Him! My heart is starting to soften to his words again. And tonight, when I was struggling, he used my own words to comfort me. He has forgiven me already for my divorce, whether it was right or wrong. It’s been forgiven. I need to live in that forgiveness and keep moving forward.
Keep ringing my bell Jesus. I’m listening!