Break ups are hard. They are hard for a lot of reasons. You mourn the loss of the presence of a person–a person who has become more than just “a person”. They take on significance in your life. That person is your boyfriend, your confidant, your best friend. These people, the ones you spend the most time with, the most life with, the most laughs with, become “your person”, ya know, like Meredith Grey is Cristina Yang’s person, like that. So when a break up happens, it’s a lot more than two people parting ways.
It’s a mourning process. Right now, I am mourning all of the dreams I had schemed up in my mind. (Maybe this is only a woman thing, I don’t know) I am saddened over the little house and the white picket fence that will never be. My heart aches knowing that the pretend children I had stashed away baby names for will never come to be. I am sad because my twelve year old self is screaming “ANOTHER PERSON LEFT YOU! YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH!”
I cry because my soul aches to be someone’s everything. I cry because I want my efforts to be matched and for my efforts to be GOOD ENOUGH.
My only hope tonight is to know that I have a God who loves me unconditionally. I AM ENOUGH for him. I may struggle to believe it, but just like the father who’s son needed cured from demon possession, I am asking God to help me overcome my unbelief. I trust God whole-heartedly. I am just STINKIN’ SAD. And you know what? I’m allowed to be.
I’m mourning dreams that will never come true.
But I know that my God has bigger dreams for me than I ever had mapped out and I am trying to live in that place.
For tonight, though, I’m going to be sad.
And that’s ok.