This week has been the HARDEST and yet the most blessed week of my entire life. Have you ever wanted something so badly it physically pained you. You’ve longed for it. You’ve fantasized about it. You’ve spent time planning it. You’ve even gone as far as to “place an order” with God. (*I’ll take a Tall Dark and Handsome with a side order of kindness, a HUGE dollop of unconditional love and joy sprinkles on top. K thanks.*) Have you ever experienced a longing that deep?
Have you ever then decided that you could figure it out all on your own? You already KNOW what you want. You’ve only spent your entire life dreaming it all up, so why aren’t you qualified to do it all on your own?! You know why? Because this life simply isn’t about you.
**SLAP** (Yes. That was a slap from Jesus.) Jesus has slapped me in the face this week with that reality, but let me go back to the beginning. Jesus didn’t slap me at all. He so gently has guided and directed and whispered and begged for me to talk to him. God has given me scripture and peace and comfort. Jesus has met with me in my quiet place and shown me visions of his love. What I so desperately long for; He so desperately wants to give to me. When I am seeking him first.
The past couple of months I have been constantly reminded of the story of the woman in Luke chapter 8 who was very sick and bleeding constantly (12 YEARS of bleeding. Imagine having a period for 12 years straight. I don’t know if it was period bleeding,but seriously ladies..could you imagine bleeding for TWELVE YEARS?!) Anyway, she believed that Jesus could heal her. She believed that just touching the bottom of his robe when he walked by would heal her. When she reached out and touched his robe, Jesus could have done so many things in that moment. He could have scorned her. He could have mocked her. He could have politely told her he was too busy. How many times in our own lives have we “gently” avoided someone in need because we were on our way to do something. Jesus was a busy man. He had an entire human race to save…it LITERALLY doesn’t get any busier than that! In that very second he was actually on his way to save a DEAD GIRL…and you know what Jesus did in those sweet, sweet moments?
DO. YOU. KNOW?!
He looked down at her and he called her “daughter”.
Let. That. Sink. In.
For me, this speaks to my entire core. To the deepest parts of my soul. I have a father who has so many worldly addictions that he has chosen over me time and time again. Wounds that literally cut to the bone. And here is a man who wasn’t like on his way to grab a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk, but on his way to RAISE A GIRL FROM THE DEAD and he still, still took the time to heal her and call her daughter.
God has been so sweet to me. So sweet. Constantly I think I am able to do this thing called life on my own. I stumble. I fall. I make an idiot of myself. I hurt people around me. And Jesus shows me grace that I just plain don’t deserve.
The second story God has brought me to just this week is of another woman who is at the feet of Jesus. She is a well known sinner in the town. (Go Here to Read the Story) and she finds out that Jesus would be eating at a Pharisees house. This woman determines that she has to see Jesus and upon entering the house she falls at his feet, sobs and wets his feet with her tears, then dries them with her hair. She then puts perfume on his feet. The entire time these men at dinner are talking about her and scoffing. Again, Jesus shows this woman compassion. He sticks up for her against the other men in the room! And you know what else? He gives her grace. He forgives her sins.
Jesus has just constantly been reminding me that there is grace at his feet. That when I humble myself not only is there HEALING, but there is forgiveness. I cannot adequately convey the overwhelming feeling of unconditional love I have felt this week from a Jesus I thought I had known since I was a child.
So, you ask. What does this have to do with my original question?
God knows the desires of my heart. He knows what I want. He knows what I desire. And as I have poured out to him this week, he has poured into me. As I have begged him this week for clarity, he has shown me grace and mercy. I go to him broken and he has healed me. I have no doubt in my mind that Jesus is going to give me the desires of my heart and it is because for the first time in my ENTIRE life, I am able to say I’m not afraid to let him have control.
SERIOUSLY I COULD JUST SCREAM HALLELUJAH!!
God knows what he is doing and my job in the meantime is to seek Him first. In seeking Him I am preparing myself to be the kind of woman who is suitable to be married. When I think I have it all figured out and attempt to do it on my own accord, I am a FRACTION of the Godly wife God wants to shape me into. My future husband deserves more than that from me. Beyond that, marriage isn’t about me anyway! It is literally a bonding of two people to be a light in the darkness! Marriage is supposed to represent the church. Marriage is about honor, and respect and love and (dare I go there) SERVICE to your spouse and more importantly…your GOD. Lord, forgive me for ever making it about me! This is so not about me.
This week, I have found comfort and grace. I have found peace and love.
The following are specific words God gave to me as I was driving home from Graduate school tonight:
It’s not about me.
It’s all about you.
Why can’t I see it?
My days here are few.
Feelings are fragile.
Feelings will lie.
When I am weary,
The truth is my guide.
No longer a sinner,
but I am Christ’s Bride.
God knows my inner most desire.
He calls me DAUGHTER!! ❤