Calm After the Storm..And Before the Next

Anyone who teaches knows the difficulties of the first day.  Establishing new routines, boundaries and classroom management can be enough to send some teachers running the other way!

Yesterday in the midst of the storm I was caught up in the EIGHTEEN four and five year old children scattered about–the shredded paper so neatly placed in the sensory table thrown up in the air as confetti, tutus, scarves and hats in various areas of the classroom.  My assistant teacher and I staring at each other with wide eyes.  To put it lightly, we weren’t quite as prepared as we thought.  Even the prettiest, well planned out lessons can go awry at the first site of sensory materials flying through the air.

AND HOLY CRAP was it a scene to be had yesterday morning.  Those kiddos were having the time of their lives!  Some grabbed play brooms from dramatic play and jumped in to “sweep the mess for you Miss Marti” while others giggled about the shredded paper in their hair.

This morning, I am regrouping, re-planning and thanking God that he is all knowing.  It is comforting to me that God is ALWAYS prepared.  He has the ultimate lesson plans and his never need revision.  God is never unprepared.  So this morning, I am going right to the source.  I am asking Jesus for mercy, strength, and intelligence.

I am also leaving my house this morning with this reminder

Colossians 3:23-24 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.  It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Everything I do today is for the Lord.


All to Him I Owe

Today was an exciting day!  It’s SUNDAY!  That means it was a time of group celebration about our savior.  This morning I walked into church heavy burdened.  It’s been a rough week around this house and it’s not been because of my busy schedule.

Families are hard.

People are hard.

Dynamics are harder.

Mental illness is harder yet.

This week I felt like I was treading water pretty hard.  A few days I LITERALLY envisioned myself with water up to my ears; it had covered my mouth and the only way for me to get oxygen was to carefully breath through my nose between splashes of water to the face.  After work a couple nights this week I came home to a broken home.  One broken by the cloud of depression and illness.  As I tried to listen and minister and speak light, I was constantly met with a mind not capable of listening to my advice.  By the end of this week,  I. Was. Exhausted.  Friday night I slept 14 hours.  Then Saturday I took a 3 hour nap, and proceeded to sleep another nine and a half hours that evening.  So this morning, as I walked into church with all of the weight of the past week on my shoulders, I began to sing.

“I hear the savior say, thy strength indeed is small.
Child of weakness watch and pray, find in me your all in all.
Jesus paid it all, all to him I owe.
Sin had left a crimson stain, he washed it white as snow.” (Jesus Paid it All)

By the second verse, I couldn’t squeak out another note.  Tears rolled down my cheeks.  I could feel big heavy tears drop onto my chest.  My strength is small.  I am a child of weakness and I need to watch and pray.  Jesus has already paid EVERYTHING for me.  I owe him my entire life.

No matter what is happening in my life.  No matter how difficult this home life gets.  No matter how sad I am. No matter how many battles I face.  No matter how many times I find myself crying in the dark before bed.  No matter how many times I plead for her to get better.    No matter how many late nights and exhausted days I have. JESUS PAID IT ALL! It is already finished.

In service this morning Pastor John said, “Too many times we spend our time asking ‘why me?! God, why me?!’ It’s not about that.  Good things happen to good and bad people.  The difference is how Christians stand tall when it’s raining.”  This again brought me to tears.  I have chosen to trust in Jesus.  I have chosen to take everything a day at a time and look to Jesus when I am at the end of my rope.  I have chosen to BELIEVE in the one who paid my debt.  This doesn’t mean that bad things will never happen to me.  This only means that in times of storm, I have him as my strong hold.

Tonight as I reflected on today and the week that has come to an end I did some reading in Philippians.  I was immediately comforted by a verse I read earlier last week and totally forgot about.

“For I know that through your prayers

and the help given by the spirit of Jesus Christ,

what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.”

Philippians 1:19

Tonight, I am declaring in Jesus Christ that no matter what happens to me in this life, it will be used for my deliverance.

I am declaring that no matter what happens to me in this life, I am choosing to stand knowing that Jesus is my all in all.

I will stand tall even in the darkest moments.

When the tears are falling, I will know that he has collected every tear in his bottle.

He knows my burdens and sorrows.

collected tears copy


.Jesus paid it all and I owe him everything.

Some Days Are Harder Than Others

In the most chaotic moments, when I’m wrapped in his arms I feel better.

This afternoon was a rough one, as my car was smacked with a woman’s runaway cart.  That seems something miniscule in the realm of all possible things to go wrong in a single day; however, my morning was rough and I was already making a decision to have a good day when this cart (a Sams Club Cart…THOSE THINGS ARE THE SIZE OF VOLTS WAGON BEETLES!!) smacked into my car. The damage is minimal, but a smashed mirror and scuff marks to the front fender are still things that cost money.  Money that I simply don’t have. I have a deductible on my insurance that is more than what the damage is, and the damage at this point in time is more than I can afford to pay out of pocket.  Simply put, a catch 22.

So this afternoon after we had lunch, I drove Roman and I back to his house so we could rest.  He’d been a work since 5am, and I was ready to crawl in a hole for the day.  As we were taking a nap I woke up to him laughing in his sleep and for some reason I was totally comforted.  Even in the worst circumstances, this man is thankful.  Roman has encouraged me so many times just by being who he is.  He sees God’s miracles in the smallest things.  He sees God’s beauty in the smallest things.  He appreciates the smallest moments.  His laughter made my soul feel better.

So this evening as I’m processing the damage to my car, all of the issues going on at home, all of the money that I am short for one thing or another, I am also thankful for a God who brings me joy in the smallest ways. I am praying that as I continue to be faithful to God, I will be blessed.

Some days are harder than others.


As a follow up to yesterday’s post (that you can read here), we had a rough night as a family last night.  I know I’ve mentioned in previous posts that this summer has been a difficult one for my family and last night was another one of those nights.


It involves a grieving mother, too much alcohol, an overbearing-incredibly-sketchy-almost-ex-step-father, a whole lot of anxiety and a whole lot more prayer.


Tonight when I opened my devotional I began to read EXACTLY what God wanted me to hear:

“On some days your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives–giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you.  You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl our of the mire of discouragement.  I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.” (The devotional is Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.)

A night that ended with me knelt at the foot of my mother’s bed praying and sobbing over her as she slept, certainly falls within the characteristics of my “demands seeming far greater than my strength”.  Last night, I could have folded under the pressure and given up. I felt sick enough to. The fear was paralyzing enough that I could have, but in the most hopeless of situations, I turned to Jesus and begged. Guys, I begged harder than I’ve ever begged. I prayed and I cried and I prayed and I cried.  I allowed God’s empowering Presence to comfort me, I asked Roman for prayer; I asked my sister for prayer. I asked my aunt for prayer. And I allowed God’s Empowerment to Comfort my Soul. Nothing within my situation changed, but what changed was that in those moments when I was pouring everything I had to God, I felt an overwhelming peace. God doesn’t always immediately change your circumstances, but he absolutely will show you how to rely on Him. I am learning this lesson time and time again. It’s a difficult lesson, but I am thankful every step of the journey.

Back to tonight–After reading the short devotion I went to the scripture associated with the excerpt.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you…Psalm 42:5-6

I realized in the very moment that I read that scripture, that God was showing me I’m not alone.  Spiritual “offness” (like I was feeling during the day yesterday) has happened before, there are cases IN THE BIBLE! I am so thankful for a God who takes time to show us we aren’t alone. I am thankful that when I was searching for answers yesterday and I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, God already knew and he already had a plan.

Tonight, though issues are not completely resolved,

I have peace.

I have faith.

I have a God who is all-knowing.

All powerful and


This is not a battle I have to fight, God has already won it. 


Well, it’s happened.

I have been so busy, I’ve run out of time to fit everything that is important to me in my schedule.  This week marked the beginning of teaching and the 4th week of graduate school.  All the time I savored over the last few weeks of summer has now dissipated and I find myself running from one activity, one assignment, one group of people to the next.  Tuesday after I finished my first day of work, cleaned my classroom, moved furniture, met my new staff, attended staff meetings, learned the new paperwork and poured myself into my car, I had to go to the grocery store.

I remember thinking I don’t know how women do this. I don’t know how women go to school, teach full-time and then have children to care for after that.  I only have myself. I help out with my youngest sister and I really do a lot to help, but she isn’t my sole responsibility. In that moment I was totally humbled when I thought about everything my Mom had to do while we were growing up.

I’m not sure why this is such a melancholy post.  I am VERY excited about my teaching job.  I am loving every second of graduate school. I am still on top of everything I need to accomplish, but I just feel off.

I feel a little spiritually off today. I know it has been too many days since I’ve really sat down with the Bible and got my face stuck into it for hours and today when I tried, I couldn’t. Perhaps that is my issue.  God has spoken to me this week, practically DIRECTLY to me.  I am hearing him still, but I can’t quite decide what I’m feeling or thinking today.

I’m struggling and I’m not even sure with what.

Have You Any Right to be Angry?

Jonah 4-4So, how about you?–Do you have any right to be angry? Let me explain a little further. Most everyone knows the story of Jonah and the whale. Jonah was called by God to go to Nineveh and Jonah was like “I don’t think sooo!” and he hops a boat to Tarshish. There is a giant storm that causes sheer panic to set in around the boat. Eventually the men on the boat figure out the storm is caused by Jonah’s disobedience to God, so first they try to row back to shore and drop Jonah off, but the storm gets worse and they are forced to throw him overboard. A big fish (whale) comes and swallows Jonah. Jonah prays in the belly of the whale and 3 days later God causes the fish to vomit him to dry land. THEN Jonah decides he should probably do what God called him to do.

I know I already talked about Gideon in another post, but isn’t it kind of funny that each person who is called in the bible has a different, yet similar reaction to being called. *-PANIC!-* Like Gideon didn’t even believe an angel coming to him, and required constant reassurance. Jonah just flat out took the flight option out of his panic. He was like “Catch ya later God!–I’m totally freaked.”


Guys. I totally thought the story stopped there. Somewhere in my childhood, somewhere perhaps between nursery class and junior church, chapter 4 was omitted. The chapter where Jonah is mad at God for saving the city of Nineveh. He is MAD that God sent him to the city of Nineveh to preach their doom and that when God saw the people turn from their wicked ways he decided to spare them. He was mad! Mad enough he wanted to die. (*cue the drama* Jonah is a tad dramatic boys and girls.)

I think this is an especially important point to be made. How many times have you been called by God to do something, minister to someone, do a specific job, then the outcome isn’t what you expected and then you’re kind of (or down right) MAD. We are called and whether we admit it or not, we kind of romanticize what the outcome will be.

Ok, Jesus I will totally go and tell all of these people about You and they will come to church and they will give their lives to you and they will bow down and proclaim you as King and then they will go and they will build a church somewhere and bring tons of other people to you and it’s going to be this big wonderful EXTRAVAGANT thing all because you called me to tell them about you.

Uh. Hold on just a second. Who gives us the authority to determine the outcome? And then do we have any right to be angry when the outcome isn’t what we expected it to be?

Here’s what happens with Jonah:

“O Lord, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. Now, O Lord, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.” Jonah 4:1-4  (A little dramatic, don’t you think? Goodness Jonah, pull yourself together man!!)

And that’s when God says to him: “Have you any right to be angry?”

God uses another circumstance to teach Jonah a lesson. Jonah leaves the city and makes himself a shelter to wait and see what happens to the city. While he is there God makes a vine grow to provide some shade for Jonah and protect him from the heat. He is SERIOUSLY excited about it. Then, when morning comes, God makes a worm eat the vine and it kills it. Jonah is BEYOND upset. (You guys, he wants to die again. I mean, really.) God asked him again “Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?” Jonah 4:9

AND GET THIS (I mean, seriously Jonah…you’re a little dramatic brother.) He says, “I do. I am angry enough to die.” I just get this vision of a small child reasoning with a parent. I know this behavior may seem just as ridiculous to you, but how many of us…how many times have YOU or I acted this way with God? Like a whining child. As soon as something doesn’t happen precisely the way we intended, we are ready to “die” or to give up, or throw in the towel.

So God gives Jonah, and in the process ME, a little wake up call. He says this:

“You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and it died overnight. But Nineveh has more than 120,000 people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?” Jonah 4:10-11.

                                          –>Are we angry about something that we didn’t tend or make grow?
                                          –>Are we angry about the outcome of something God has called us to do?
                                          –>”Have you any right to be angry?”

I’ll leave you with this. A couple weeks ago Roman had an issue at work and I told him “You have every RIGHT to be angry.” His response to me was “No, I have every REASON to be angry, but I have no RIGHT.”

Take a few minutes today to consider the things that cause you anger. Then consider the thought

Have you any right to be angry?

The Lord is With You Mighty Warrior

HOLY CRAP. (For lack of a better term.) But really! That statement–“The Lord is with you mighty warrior.”–THAT is what was said to Gideon by an angel.

Let me set the stage for you. Israel is under the oppression of the Midianites, who were pretty strong nasty people, for seven years. The Israelites that were left built shelters in caves and up in the mountains in an effort to protect themselves. 

Here’s Gideon, working in a wheat field trying to get some food for his people, minding his own business and an ANGEL is just legitimately chillin’ in front of him. That ALONE would be enough to straight knock me off my feet. I just know it would. Not only was that angel standing in front of Gideon, then the angel talked and brought a message from God to him. “The Lord is with you mighty warrior.” Woah.

So long story short, God calls Gideon to save Israel from these nasty Midianites and Gideon is pretty scared. He’s like (ok, now I’m paraphrasing here guys.) “uh, you’re sure that you want ME to save all of Israel from these big, scary Midianites?!” and God is like “Am I not sending you?!”-Judges 6:14 (HELLO! Earth to Gideon, I sent an ANGEEELLL!) I’m not sure about anyone else, but I’m pretty thankful for a patient God. He could have just as easily been like, “You know what Gideon, I’ve sent an angel from Heaven and you’re still not sure what I want you to do? Ok, welp, I’ll find someone else then.” Aren’t you glad that we aren’t God?!

Moving on with the story. It’s battle time and Gideon has gathered quite a few men (if my math is correct he has like 32,000) and God speaks to him and says (paraphrasing again) “Listen, buddy. You’ve got too many people. I don’t want Israel to think they’ve done something super awesome on their own. I want them to know this was me! Send some men home.”-Judges 7:2-8 By the end of this discussion with God, Gideon is left with 300 hundred men. As in 3-ZERO ZERO! 300. (I’m having a heart attack FOR Gideon right now.) I’ll go ahead and spoil the story for you and let you know that God fulfills his promise and Gideon takes down the Midianites with 300 men.

.Gideon was called. Judges 6:11-16

.Gideon was scared. Judges 6:15

.Gideon asked God for a sign. Judges 6:36-40

.God gave Gideon several signs. Judges 6:36-40

.God fulfilled his promise. Judges 7:15-25

Please get that last part…HE FULFILLED HIS PROMISE!

Aren’t we all a little like Gideon? (and by a little I mean…A LOT!) God calls us to something, and we are flat out petrified. We need a sign. We need proof. We need confirmation.

Maybe he called you to something that looks unattainable. Maybe he called you to something that looks too big to handle. Maybe he called you to something that you had never even considered for your life. Maybe you aren’t even sure it’s God. (That happened to Gideon too, read it here-Judges 6:17.)

I encourage you to pray. I encourage you to read the Bible. I encourage you to talk to GODLY friends and family and ask them to pray. I encourage you to journal and have an open dialogue with God.

I know where you’re at. I’m in the same place right now as I prayerfully consider the callings that God has for my own life.

Now I want to add a little something here: I’m not saying God is calling us all to lead an army and take down a nation. K? But each of us has our own battle. Each of us has our own “Midianite”. Each of us has, or will have, something that God is urging us to do.

And he wants you to know…

“The Lord is with you mighty warrior.”

Eyes In Our Hearts?

When you grow up in church you have this vocabulary that has been engrained into you innately. It’s not something that you really think about; it’s just something that happens. A lot of times it happens when we pray. This afternoon as I am reading through Ephesians for a bible study group that I attend, I read the phrase “I also pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened…” (Ephesians 1:18)

And then I started thinking…the eyes of my heart? How many times have I heard that phrase? Sooo Soooo many!!–and because its engrained, I just never really considered it’s true meaning. There are songs about it, “Open the Eyes of my Heart Lord”, and there is PLENTY of scripture with the same phrase. So I started to do some digging on the internet and I came across this blog, you DEFINITELY want to read this entry, it is incredible! I was definitely enlightened.

This is what I learned, our physical eyes (the ones in our head) SEE things. Our metaphorical eyes (the ones in our heart) FEEL things. To me this makes TOTAL sense. We SEE God’s creations every day. We see the beauty in the trees, the water, our friends, our families, our pets, our children, but how often to we sit and FEEL all of those things? I am one to admit, I don’t feel God’s creations enough. I don’t sit and marvel and the incredible beauty around me or think about what kind of God he must be to give us such wonderful gifts. In Romans 1:19-20 the verse talks about how we have no excuse to not know God. He created the world and that revealed his eternal power and his divine nature. There is no excuse for us to sit and be confused about who God is, or how much he loves us. It’s ALL AROUND US! Let me pause to say, God is infinite. He is outside of our human realm and our ability to understand. So there are parts of God and his plan that we won’t understand until He comes back and then we KNOW. However, He created us, and he knows what IS within our realm of understanding so he gave us things that we can understand all around us!! (I don’t know about you, but that makes me EXCITED!! SOO EXCITED!) How great of an eternal God to give us finite things that we can touch and feel and smell and taste and love so that we may understand him better?! (Sometimes I get so excited that I literally can’t type as fast as my brain thinks. It’s like this panic between my brain and my hands and then I end up with words that look like this: kjdsfiuahlksjdfp and I have to go back and delete them so my posts are actually readable. You’re Welcome.)


If you can't feel the love of God in a child's smile...there may be no hope for you. (I'm TOTALLY kidding) But really, can you resist the smile of this precious nephew of mine?!

If you can’t feel the love of God in a child’s smile…there may be no hope for you. (I’m TOTALLY kidding) But really, can you resist the smile of this precious nephew of mine?!

This God of ours, He loves you. He wants you to know him. He wants you to FEEL him. He wants the eyes of your heart to be open. Maybe take a few minutes today and just simply ask that God opens the eyes of your heart so that you can FEEL the wonderful things around you. So you may be able to experience His love through nature, or your family, or your friends, or the scripture you read today, anything.

2014-08-22 14.25.24 2014-08-22 14.25.32     2014-08-22 14.28.19 2014-08-22 14.30.42           2014-08-22 14.32.49 2014-08-22 14.34.13

Let Him Open Your Heart Eyes.

Blogging With a Purpose

I’ve talked a lot about the transformations that have been happening within me the past few months and in an effort to surround myself with positivity, grace, and community, I started following several AWESOME ladies on instagram. I’ve seen several discussions about doing things on purpose. (I’m pretty sure the “movement” is Project On Purpose. Search it under hashtags on instagram, you won’t regret it.) That got me thinking. What is my purpose for blogging?

I’ll admit, when I woke up this morning with my first followers EVER I was like “OH MY WORD!! I HAVE FOLLOWERS!! AHHHH!!!” (This was a real conversation. I sent that text message to Roman at approximately 10:20am)
Sometimes when I get REAL excited, I used ALL CAPS!

Sometimes when I get REAL excited, I used ALL CAPS!

However, that isn’t my real purpose. It is too easy to toot my own horn and get excited about what I’VE done. This blog is nothing that I’ve done. Puh-LEASE!! When I first started this blog, I was spewing hate about my horrible jobs. God had a purpose and a plan for this little space of the internet that I never intended.
Yes. This blog is a place for me to jot down feelings, thoughts, events. This blog is a timeline of sorts for memories and stories and family. BUT in all of that, my purpose is to share His message. The message of salvation, the message of never-ending love, the message of grace (that’s a BIG one, listen to me here…GRACE) as in mercy, clemency, pardon. My purpose is to share with others the things that God has been doing in me and for me so that they may be impacted and realize that he wants to do the same thing for them.
You’re lonely? God wants to be your friend. MORE than your friend; he wants to adopt you!! John 14:18
You’re hurting? God wants to comfort you. 2Corinthians 1:3-4
You’re stressed? God wants you to put your burdens at his feet. 1Peter 5:7
You’re lost? God wants you to follow him. Step out of your darkness and into his light! John 8:12
You’re angry? God wants you to let go and let him take care of it. Romans 1:18
You’re “worthless”? God says otherwise!!! You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-16
I am beaming with excitement! My heart feels so full with the promises that God has given me. This walk is hard. I’ll venture to say that life is one of the hardest things we will ever encounter, but we don’t have to walk it alone. My purpose is to use my gifts to do it with a cheerful heart, and with ENTHUSIASM. (I think perhaps I have enough enthusiasm to share. hehe)
::Purpose Statement::
The purpose of Delightfully Disjointed is to build a safe, loving and caring community by making connections through sharing God’s abundant love, never-ending grace, and permanent promises. I will achieve this through the gift of writing that God has given me and consistently praying about this blog and the purpose he has for my life.

All This Talk About Agape


[ah-gah-pey, ah-guh-pey, aguh-]
noun, plural agapae
1.the love of God or Christ for humankind.
2.the love of Christians for other persons, corresponding to the love of God for humankind.
3.unselfish love of one person for another without sexual implications; brotherly love. feast (defs 1, 2).
(Thank you
Photo from walk in love. Instagram: walkinlove

Photo from walk in love.
Instagram: walkinlove

There has been lots of talk about this word “agape”. I remember the first time I heard it a few weeks ago in service and I was thinking “Isn’t that a word from a Disney movie?” I don’t know that I had ever heard the word used to describe love within the Christian faith. Roman and I have turned it into a slight inside joke. Whenever we are struggling to show love to a person, we look at one another and say “agape”. Someone cut you off in traffic? Agape. Someone push your buttons in a college class? Agape. Booty-shorts at church? Agape. Angry customers on the job? Agape. But on a serious note, I’ve recently really been pondering the love of Jesus. What is all of this agape talk and how DEEP is the love of our God?

I was inspired after reading All Glory to The Highest’s blog post “Are You in Love?”. Can people tell I’m in love? Do people see it in my actions? Do friends read the way that I treat people and see Jesus and not Marti? Is my love so deep that it pours out of me and it isn’t even my choice?

My family has had a rough summer and I just spent last night telling my younger sister how much God loves her. How literally the CREATOR (go ahead and fathom THAT for a hot second!) of the UNIVERSE (Hi, yeah…chew that up for a minute and a half) knew each of us before we were ever in our mothers’ wombs. Before my parents, your parents, ANYONE’S parents even MET, God knew you. He knew what your name would be. He knew what you would look like.




Before he put the stars in the sky, before he morphed hundreds of thousands of galaxies with his own two hands, he knew us.

It’s sad that a love like that can be so easily tainted by life’s circumstances. A betrayal of a parent cuts so deep it leaves us, at times, too broken to trust our heavenly father. How sad. I’ve really been pouring my heart out to God and telling him how I struggle to connect with him on a father-daughter level, because I’ve never experienced that kind of relationship. He listens. He hears. He’s faithful. I am so thankful for a patient God. One who listens to my cries, deciphers my tears when I don’t have words and makes my heartaches a little more bearable.

He knew me. And I’m working everyday to know Him more and more.